Saturday, October 10, 2009

Kirby Disturbia

Meet Kirby.......he's my new Kirby. If you haven't had the pleasure, something akin to the fruit on the tree of life, of a Kirby demonstration..........let me put out a warning: DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO THE WOLF ON THE OTHER SIDE. MAY CAUSE MARITAL DISCORD.

So here's a bit of free marital counseling and some knowledge to tuck into your gray matter until you need it.

My new best friend Fabio (his real name was very similar!!!) knocks on my door in the middle of the freezing winter day. Thinking it was the neighbor, Piglet rushes the door (in a cheerleader outfit) and we throw it open. Side note on how I look: College hoodie, pony, no makeup, no shoes, jeans (expensive ones), baby attached to my's hair looks like the origingal Charlie from Charlie and he Chocolate Factory.

Fabe shoves a spray bottle of cleaner at me and begs me to let him in so he can earn $50 by giving me a demo, whether I buy or not. Then he dashes from the house to get 'The Kirby'. He comes back with his supervisor........ Before I know what is happening the super ditches Fabe out here in the country and takes off, leaving the boy and the vacuum.

I am treated to the luxury of watching Fabe vacuum my brand new carpet with a dust meter and black and white filters. He sucks up a lot of contractor dirt!! Not really surprised.

He pours baking soda into the BRAND NEW carpet and nearly makes himself vomit from the dust (kind of funny, kind of gross). Then he rubs it in so you can't see the white mound that he just poured out (ouch). I vacuum with my $100 Hoover (not the badger kind). Of course I know that I didn't get it all even though it looks like it. The 20 black filters show that sure enough, there was still baking soda in the carpet.

Next Fabe and I travel to 'the sanctuary'. He tells me that my mattress has doubled in weight from skin cells, dust mites and dust mite poop. I cringe. Fabe vacuums. Sure enough, the old dust meeter shows oodles of dead skin and what I can only assume is dust mite and their spoor. He asks if I don't sleep well unless I change my sheets. I say, even if I lived in a lavender field, I still wouldn't get a full nights sleep. Fabe says that's because I can't breath from all of the dust mites. I know it is because I sleep with an infant.

As we vacuum, we commiserate. Fabe can't believe I have been married for 13 years I am the mama of four young uns. He uses flattery..........Satan's flattery. I know I am being duped but I let him tell me I have a great body for a mommy and that I only look 25. I ask him how much Kirby school it took to teach him what to say to suspicious housewives. He says none.

Fabe thinks he's got me hooked. He calls his supervisor to tell him to come back and strike a deal with me. While we wait, he shows me the carpet cleaner, which also turns into a blower, a dog groomer, a paint sprayer, an Electrolux range, a life preserver, a can opener, a floor sander, a snow plow, a pack mule, a hang glider, and a pocket fisherman.

Supervisor shows up and this is were Fabe puts on a slinky dress. Time for Deal or No Deal. I choose from a variety of money cases............oooh I hope I chose the lowest!! Super hands me the cost break down. I nearly excrete yesterday's breakfast in my cute jeans and shout it at the same time. I say there isn't a chance on earth I'll pay close to $3,000 for a vacuum, I'm saving for two perky boobs.

Super says he'll cut me the wife alone deal and give me the carpet/upholstery cleaner for free. For those of you counting that's about $300 bucks. I say..........negative. He says he'll give me a child discount because he can see that I take my job seriously and kids obviously make messes faster than even Superman can clean them up. That's $100 per child. He thinks I only have 2. I ask him the most children he has ever given a discount for. He refuses to answer. I press. He brings up the fact that I belong to a religion that values children. I say that has nothing to do with the number of kids I have............but I do have more than 2. He thinks I am lying for the discount. I say, if I were going to lie, I'd have more than 4 kids, I'd have 13. He still thinks I am lying.

He calls the mysterious man on the phone. The Man says if I pay cash I can have a 5% discount. That's less than $200. I try to tell him my brother-in-law would have sold me one for $1200. He laughs. We go back to Deal or No Deal. Since Fabe and the Super and I all care for each other............3 hours of bonding does that to people, I want Fabe to get his commission but I don't want to pay for the vacuum. I say how about $1800 even, free supplies for a year, free carpet cleaner, and Super covers the tax, plus the 5% pay cash discount. Super looks pained (I think it's a put on). Fabe glitters in his slinky dress. Super puts in a call to The Man, he turns it on speaker phone accidentally (right). The Man doesn't want to cut the deal but Super pushes because I am a wicked bargainer (wink, wink). Super asks Fabe if he is willing to take a commission cut just for me. Fabe bristles and glitters. I think about his 3 year old and the failing economy in Oregon. I want Fabe to get his cash. If he makes the sale fast enough he gets a $50 bonus. We agree. We shake. I tell them not to trust my handshake because I am no gentleman. They laugh. I mean it. I sign my Yankees check and grudgingly hand it over.

Super takes off with the check and leaves Fabe stranded again. Fabe has to familiarize me with my new purchase.

Now that the glittery dress is off and he is back to his missionary look and argyle socks, we can sit on the floor and get to know Kirby. I learn how to do all of the attachments and make sure the belt is secure. I get quizzed. I do well. I invite Fabe to my next girl's night. He accepts. I invite him to live with me. He accepts. Super still hasn't come back for his sales boy.

Super comes back and assures me I got the deal of the day. I take a blood oath not to tell anyone the price I paid for the vacuum. I ask if that is so I won't find out how badly I was taken for. Super laughs.........of course not. I got a great deal, he just can't do that for everybody.

The day has passed without my knowing. I accidentally leave the kids at school. I call Jodi to see if she can save the kids from passing bandits and bring them to me. She does. Having been held captive for the better part of the day I now have the psychological syndrome where I side with my captors. I try to sell a Kirby to Jodi so I'm not the only one that makes an eighteen hundred dollar mistake that day. Jodi knows better. She says no, but she is glad to hear Fabe is coming to the purse party I'm planning.

Later that evening..................Superman sees clues to my Kirby affair; the left over filters Paws stole, the Kirby owners manual, the free Kirby citrus cleaner. "What's all the Kirby stuff for? You didn't buy a Kirby did you?" My guilt spills forth in a hysterical laugh. Superman can't tell if the thought is so ridiculous that I laughed or if the laugh is the chuckle of guilt. The kids rat me out and tell him how much I spent. He becomes very quiet. He stops moving. This is how I can tell he is unhappy. He chats to me like a girlfriend and moves constantly on normal days. But not the day I bought the Kirby. At bed time he shuts the door to our room. He has no romantic interest in me, he wants to discuss Kirby alone. Soon I find out how much it costs me per minute to vacuum, how many bullets he must dodge to pay for Kirby, how many vacuums I could buy instead, the hours he could have been spending at home instead of at job #6, the next vacation to Disneyland just magically turned into a Kirby. I cry with shame. He is so right.

Soon all of the cancellation paperwork is filled out in quadruplicate and my name is signed on all of it. Superman is calling Michigan police to see if these people even have a business license. He comes up with a plan to pull them over and give Kirby back.

Soon Super has returned to our house. No Fabe. It's down and dirty now. Super tells Superman he knows that because of his 6 jobs, he may not want to spend that kind of time and money on Kirby so he will cut him a better deal..............even though I am a great bargainer. We play good cop/bad cop. I am the bad cop, the really bad cop. Super looks pained. He says he doesn't want to cause a divorce. He gets The Man on the phone again and explains that we want to return the vacuum. The Man is not happy, he offers a better deal. I say no. I am not happy about being swindled in the first place. Jason concedes that Kirby is a good vacuum and the new style has a hot shade of orange he knows I will appreciate. I still say no. The Yankee checks come out again. I refuse to sign one. Super gives us a deal but explains that Fabe is SOL and so is he. He can't even take his wife to dinner now. (If he even has one). Superman signs the check. Kirby stays. Super gets in his SUV with my old Hoover and scuttles off to swindle another day.

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