Thursday, December 29, 2011

Cow Eyeballs

That's a cow eyeball. It's not one of the ones I actually had, because I am too negligent to get pictures that look this great. Plus the kids skewered them before I had my wits about me and pulled out a camera.

Cow eyeballs are one of the many perks of being in private school. It is also one of the perks of having poweful connections in the meat butchering industry.

Our little private school for the gifted and talented allowed me free reign (didn't care what I did as long as it wasn't them) to teach some really fun anatomy classes. As with previous classes that I have taught, some of the children hid crying and some of them worshipped at my cow eyeball goo covered feet. The sweet little ones that I locked in the closet fled to the closet were lucky to be in a non conventional school where you can leave your seat to vomit without having your citizenship docked. The ones that grabbed knives and other sharp objects and stabbed the eyeballs were very fortunate to be in an open minded setting where you can have knives at school and scream bloody murder without the local detective arriving to escort them to kid jail. Although we enjoy local law enforcement in the classroom, we use them mostly as eye candy, not as a threat.

As a teacher, I like to use tactics that cause an emotional reaction, therefore cementing the lesson in the brain. My goal, you would assume, is to bring the children to learning for themselves, causing them to seek further enlightenment. You are wrong. I look for the entertainment side more often than not. I go for shock value, terror, and in the end I hope to endear them to me through this. I look for their acceptance and love and my tools are gratuitous gore, dance routines, comedic video, threats, hugs, explosions, and speaking frankly about perscrition abuse.

My next themed unit will be on government. Do I just stream Rush live or take them to the booking room at the jail? Which one gives me the viceral reaction I'm looking for?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Red Ribbon Week

A few weeks ago The School of Awesomeness (Farm Boy's homeschool co-op) had Red Ribbon Week. Of course Officer Handsome was our guest speaker. We tried the old....scare em straight strategy. Only one child confessed to nightmares after, and one refused to participate completely. The children were whisked off to the land of drug abuse by their fearless leader, where they learned the dangers of meth abuse through pictorial proof provided by a series of mug shots. Meth makes you look old, dirty and you get lots of red sores! The treachery of huffing, shown here....

They also had a long discussion about perscription abuse because it's on the rise.  The class watched a video about cancers caused by smoking and heard a woman with throat cancer talk (in a horrible voice!) about what smoking did to her.  Then they saw pictures of men who chewed smokeless tobacco, with their lower jaws removed.  The nightmares only came from the Faces of Meth mug shots, which really surprised me.
And to really drive it home, the kids wore 'beer goggles', which skew your vision and trick your mind. It illustrated how your reaction time and balance are changed with alcohol use.  They seemed to like the beer goggles. 

They also came up with their own funny outfits and anti-drug sayings......Sock it to drugs! (silly socks), Throw away drugs! (football uniform), Tackle Drugs (football uniform), Be normal! Say not to drugs! (dressed normally), Black out drugs! (black clothes), Turn your back on drugs! (wore clothes backwards).

The kiddos got a lot of loot from the local police; bicycle flashers, pencils, rulers, badges, finger print and ID kits, and workbooks.  They also had the glory of being handcuffed, which they didn't like as much as I thought they would.  Maybe that will offset the joy of the beer goggles.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


     As you well know this is the place I like to flaunt my weakness.  It feels good to let people know not to expect much when you deal with this hot mess.  My newest form of addiction is Pinterest .   It's kind of like crack in the way that it just won't let you let go. 
     Pinterest is a lovely site.........hey I should be getting paid for this advertisement!  Pinterest is a site where you can catalog, or pin, pictures of your other obsessions that aren't Pinterest.  I've been pinning crafts I woud love to do, but who am I kidding, never will.  I have been pinning food that I might make a fraction of.  I have been pinning interior design for the mansions that I will never own, nor will they have enough bedrooms, bathrooms, living rooms, kitchens.....or doors (how I love a good door! MMM) for that matter, to ever fit every dream I have.  I've pinned a zillion funny things or awesome quotes to live by that I savor for that second and then go back to that comfy place in my little dark heart where I don't really live by a higher standard of sweet sentiment.  I've pinned fashion out the wazoo.  I love pinning.  Oh the high I get. 
     Somewhere in my stone cold soul I believe there has been a glimmer of insight.  I think this pinning thing is making me a bit covetous.  Well super covetous.  Is that bad? I want to be crafty and chic.  I want to look glamourous.  I want to eat wicked yummy food.  I want a mansion.  Is this another satanic ploy to waste my time and dull my senses?  Probably.  Sometimes I tell myself I am only allowed a certain number of pins...but I never keep to it. 
     I'm not saying I'm stopping.  I'm not saying you shouldn't start....well because I could really use some company here.  I'm just saying I might have recgonized my control is slipping in another area.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dear Stress, Let's Break Up

Dear Stress,

     We started out together at such a young age.  We were together so often.  You were there when everyone hollered at Grandma during lunch and made me cry.  You were there when I spent 19 years in school and I wanted to be home.  You've been with me on dates, with every church calling I have ever had, through all of the pregnancies, with each job.......from the one with cold calls to the ones where people could die at my hand.  You stuck it out through renovations and house building.  We have paired up for delights such as homeschool and living with a police officer.
     I'm afraid this may come as a shock, or that you will be upset and feel that my actions and feelings up to this point have not been authentic.  I feel that it is time to break up.  There.......I said it.  We are no good for each other.  I want to have some space and find out who I am.  You put so much pressure on me.  I feel like I am smothering.  Who are we without each other? 
     I hope you read this soon.  It would hate for you to find out on Facebook, when I change my status to <3 single.
     I will put your things in a box on the front step.......Tylenol, chocolate (what's left anyway), Coke, the bitten nails, 2 white hairs plucked this morning, Tylenol PM, the journals full of swear words, and the acne ointment.  I am keeping the shelves of books that you caused me to buy and the soaking tub as I cannot remove it. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

B.S.M.K.H.S. In No Particular Order

      So there I was in the dentist's chair yesterday.  It's not one of my favorite places, dating back since my youth when my dentist tried to smother me as I hyperventilated......and proceeded to pull 8 teeth without any tooth numby. As I lay there with the laughing gas cranked up, I realized that I felt pretty good.  I don't think I have felt that calm in at least a year, at my last illicit drug use.  It came to me quite clearly then why people use drugs.
     My brain works overtime all of the time.  It's kind of like a roller derby in there.  Frustration, anger, noise, movement from one place to another at flashy speeds, and I really take a pounding.  The only thing I have found to make it stop......besides nitrous oxide, is reading.  It gives my brain a place to focus.  So instead of doping up I read.

     I've noticed I am pretty infantile in my life progression thus far.
Except I am clearly not that adorable.  I don't think I have  ever properly learned to self regulate.  I am driven by pleasure and desire.  Sounds kind of naughty.  It has more to do with not being able to push myself out of my comfort zone.  It's a very small zone.  Kind of like a dot on a paper.  Officer Handsome can run a 5K after not having run for months.  I stoke myself up thinking I can become a runner and within the first moments of feeling my own heart beat above resting speed.....I just wanna throw in the towel.  I'm not really in pain, I am bored and a little anxious to get away from myself.  Running leaves you not much to do besides think, unless you happen to see a cow birthing a calf while you huff by.  Unfortunately odds are that won't happen often.  Also, once I saw a fallic symbol spray painted on a road sign and that gave me half a second of laughter.
     I find myself a little depressed that I don't make many strides during the day.  My brain flits from one place to the next and I never spend enough time on one thing.  Also I get really bored with one thing.  And I basically hate to do most things because I don't get payoff fast enough.  I think about crafting something awesome, but then I dwell while  I do it and end up not being able to face the thought of attempting some painting, or glueing or refinishing. I want to deep clean the kitchen cabinets and the kids dressers but the thought of having to focus on such dullness while still dwelling on every other thing that needs my attention, leaves me breathless with the desire to run. Eating and reading you can get a buzz from pretty quickly but besides that ........meh, too much work.
     I have concluded that it's about time to tame Maimy.  My natural man.  I conclude that a lot.  She is like living under a brown blanket.  She adds more weight, makes it hard to navigate, and makes everything dark. 
     While I was showering after my laborous run,  (I came up with a snappy idea that I could train myself to run with this website.... ) I had nothing to do but think some more.  That's when I came up with a plan.  I have to have guidelines.  Even though I like to wing everything, mostly because planning takes effort, I function better with strict rules and expectations.  Instead of having a to-do list, because I make terribly long ones once I start one, I am making some broader goals to accomplish during a day.
     B.S.M.K.H.S. in no particular order.  I am going to do something for my Body, Spirit, Marriage, Kids, Home, and Self, everyday.    Example.....I already went running, I will read an article from the Ensign and journal with it, I rented a movie for Officer Handsome and I, I will take the kids to the pool or on a walk and they need individual attention everyday so we will read, snuggle, play games and maybe bake, home......ugh put the laundry away, do dishes, start more laundry, and for's hard not to get carried away here...for sure I will read, probably while eating lunch, and then hide from everyone and read some more.  Once I can see, feel really, that I have accomplished something I am hoping it will give me enough 'good' feeling to move on to the next task.
     For real, people out there.......are you cool being in your own head?  Do you have a lot of self control?  Where did it come from?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Cruella de Vil

I was doing dishes this morning when Piglet decided to have one of her bizarre conversations. 
Piglet: Mom we got to choose our moms in Heaven.
Me: Why did you choose me?  You could have gotten a rich mom, or a nice mom, or a cute and funny mom.
Piglet: You are nice......sometimes. And you are cute and funny.  And I don't know any rich moms. 
Me: You could have had another dad too.
Piglet: Other dads creep me out.
Me: So why do you think you chose me?  What were you thinking when you saw me? 
Piglet: You looked like you needed a lesson and I thought, "I can teach her a lesson."
Me: Oh ya, what are you going to teach me?
Piglet: To be nice......or Spanish.  Wait what does cruel mean?
Me: To be mean.
Piglet: Ya, I'm gonna teach you not to be cruel.

I guess she feels like not getting her way 100% of the time is cruel on my part.  Even I haven't learned that lesson yet.  Lesson # 12: You Don't Always Get What You Want......And How To Move On Gracefully.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My Espistle To Gomorrah....Or So You Don't Know When To Call 911

There are a lot of heathens out there.  Myself included.  So most of the time I what you will.  But this time I am going to say something.  I am going to generalize.  In general this is a bad idea.  If you can tell I am not talking about you.....then you are right.  I am not talking about you. I don't really want a response about how YOU would never act that way.  If I am talking about you.....consider yourself warned.
I have a big, BIG,BIG,BIG problem with any citizen that does not have the decency to make a 911 call....or with those of you that can't figure out when would be a good time.   Here's a tip....if there is a crime being committed or it looks like someone is in danger a call for help would be appreciated.  To help those of you out there with your heads stuck in a dank hole I will make a short list.....
1.  Breaking and entering.
2.  A screaming lunatic.
3.  A person that you can actually SEE entering a vehicle......OBVIOUSLY not belonging to him and then taking property.
4. Someone damaging property.
5.  Someone assaulting someone else....yes, even fists are illegal.  You don't have to wait for a weapon to come out.
6.  People screaming in a public setting...and not because it is BYU basketball.
7.  Someone that looks or sounds like they might be committing a carjacking.   Big heads up here.....when the keys to the vehicle are thrown so as to distract the criminal.......please do not pick them up and return them to the man with the wild look in his eyes.  He is infact, the criminal.  DO however feel free to call 911!!

My dissappointment in society runs pretty deep right now.  It's kind of like hemorrhaging, pulling up to the hospital with a light heart....finally hoping that someone will save you now, and then finding out that the doctors all have an IQ of 50.  Now I know that I can't count on anyone else out there.  Every man for himself.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shakes, Jakes and Pancakes

  This is NOT Jake.....I was too lazy to format my picture my friend Google helped.

Every New Year our family sets a big list of family goals.  Last year, in a fit of rage when the hubs wasn't around much.......I tore up the 2010 goals and shoved them deep into the trash can.  No one noticed.  This year one of the goals that everyone but me decided might be acceptable was to get a dog. 

I apologize right now for any dog lovers out there.  I used to be one when I was little and had my own dog.  Now I live in reality.  I am not a dog lover.  Gasp.....  I would rather bear 4 more children and raise them to adulthood.  I would rather have a rat.  I would a lot of things.

Despite the fight I put up, we have a dog.  Some of my requirements for a dog were; he could not be amublation of any form.  He could not eat or defecate.  He could not be conscious.  He could lay on a dog bed and not move.  He could not dig.  He could not chew.  He could not live in my house EVER.  He could not bark.   My neighbor upon hearing the requirements for a dog sent me to Cabela's to find a stuffed animal.  I did not laugh.  I appreciated her insight. Of my crucial demands, these were met; he does not chew, he does not dig, he has a dog bed.

His name is Jake.  He is an Irish Setter.  He is the size of a colt, maybe bigger.  He is 6 years old......score 1 for me.  He hardly barks.  He is very sweet natured.  He is almost what I was looking for except that his heart beats.  We found him on KSL and jumped the gun a little when he seemed to be what we were looking for.  We don't have a fenced Jake is a house dog:(  Jake loves me and it makes it very hard to not love him back.  He wants to sleep with me.....who doesn't though.  Let's rephrase.....everyone in the family wants to sleep with me except for Fire.  She wants her space.  He likes to watch me cook.  He keeps me company while I do laundry.  He is a good walking partner.  Sure I can find things about him which cause complaint....I mean I am still myself after all.  Do I love dogs? NO.  Do I love Jake? Ya.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I Bit The Bullet

Er, that is a picture that I took while I was waiting to board my ship to paradise....the boarding happened to be much later than expected.

Something else I didn't really expect. I pulled the eldest son, Farm Boy out of school. There wasn't one big reason. I have wanted to homeschool all of the kids for a long time. He was being overlooked and not challenged. And he HATED school. HATED it. I felt like I owed him to try something else since four continual years of hating 75% of his day didn't ever make him wake up with a different attitude. I knew it would be a challenge. Still...I didn't really expect what I got.

We quickly formed a sweet little co-op of our own with two other families and two fun mamas. The kids are pretty awesome and it is nice to have a group for the male child to hang with, especially around holidays. We meet on a weekly basis and have a fun project which the kids get through with gritted teeth so that they can move on to challenging each other on the Wii (yuck).

For the first few days while Farm Boy and I were on our own, it was like all of the dreams I had about homeschooling.....except for the missing ten other children and the long farm table. I tested him out of 3rd grade and moved him on to some other things that didn't glass over his eyes. He read, he wrote, he did algebra. And then the honeymoon adjourned rather quickly. Despite how terrifying and wicked mean I find myself, Farm Boy is not ruffled or intimidated. I hate it. If I don't have intimidation I have nothing. Even love doesn't pack the punch pure meanness does. Farm Boy and I are a poor personality match. I pray that someday he finds a girl just like his dad that can put up with the shear amounts of stubborn that spit out of him like lava. He has yet to actually win one of our scuffles.....but he is getting close. Ssh don't tell him. I'll flat out let it be known I dream about starting to drink.

All of the field trips, organic learning in situation, brain bending science experiments, leading Farm Boy to find internal motivation, and break out literary adventures......they are in the crapper and I am about ready to flush. I think my expectations were too high. I think learning is so fun. I want it to be amazing and exciting. I think he should pick up on whatever I present him before I am even finished. I think that I don't want to have to stand behind him with a bull whip and physically press him into doing a teeny weeny bit of work.

At this present moment it is 4:38 p.m. mountain standard time. He has done nothing more than eek out a few words of writing. He has yet to attempt his math. He did not read anything. There was no science experiment. He did however move all of the chairs from one room to another, make cup upon cup of chocky moomie for Nugget, play football with Nugget, make two meals for himself, poke me everytime he walked by, help unload groceries, and explain a movie that I haven't seen. And still......still! Even though I want to drown myself or put my passport to good use by disappearing.......I STILL think that for right now, this is a better choice for Farm Boy than going to an organized school institution.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

11 Step Program For Those Thinking of Having Kids....

Yep that's right, she's in white.......

So I smuggled this from FB.  My son is telling me right now that if people read this they won't want kids.  The following is only partially true.  It's actually much worse.  But it also doesn't tell the good parts, like watching them sleep (ya, I know.....they are unconscious!), and giving them kisses and snuggles, or when they say, 'I love you." 

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4  Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5  Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6     Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!