Friday, December 24, 2010

Is Your Mama Gonna Miss Ya Now You're Gone?

The incident occured Sunday October 31st around 0530. The only witnesses to the crime were the handsome couple toodling down I-15. The children were rendered unconscious from hours of Halloween partying and sugar withdrawl.

Witness statements.....

Officer Handsome: I think a jackrabbit just jumped in front of us.

Lovely Lady: What the *&^%$#@! Aahahaha! Something just flew at us!

Despite the dark nature of the night sky Officer Handsome signals and moves to the right. Upon reaching the off-ramp he completes his stop and exits the SUV with an LED flash light. He examines the bloodless carnage and returns to debrief. Handing over the flashlight to Lovely Lady, he snickers and insists she should find interesting the scene at the front of the vehicle. With much trepidation and a sense of foreboding, she rounds the SUV and finds herself face to carcass with an extremely large, and quite substantially dead owl. Having known this is what she would find, she shrieks with pride, "I told you so!". Then with the fear of God like ice water in her soul.....she runs down the off ramp pawing at the arteries in her own neck and shielding her ears from her own terrified screams. It appears to be a case of suicide by SUV/Cop.

The body remains afixed with a rigid determination to the front of the vehicle. Upon reaching Cedar City and the breaking of dawn across the morning sky, they were able to peer into the dead yellow eyes of the owl. Contemplating removal of the body from the grill, their decision was made by the quickly growing crowd of excited Asian tourists. The handsome couple were forced to move on with the corpse still firmly implanted, amid the flash of high quality Asain cameras.

The couple made many friends as they crossed Southern Utah, Arizona, the sinful and ugly Nevada, into the unsavory village of Barstow California. People love to be entertained as they drive the Godforsaken desert. This day, their dreams were realized. Many hand gestures, smiles, gasps, and screams were exchanged. For the few tenderhearted still remaining in the soul parched Nevada, there were tears shed as the owl triumphantly sped at great speeds, past their waning vehicles.

Upon entering Barstow, the town where life no longer has meaning, the handsome couple prepared to lay their new friend to rest. Lovely Lady retrieved her secret stash of surgical gloves, secreted away in the secret compartment, for a scene such as this that she secretly knew would happen one day. Pressing them into the caring, yet strong and manly hands of Officer Handsome, she exclaimed, "Don't touch that foulness with your bare hands!" The bird was swiftly removed with little trouble, despite it's ability to ride the grill through four states. Pictures were taken to document the momentous occasion. The bird was toed by Officer Handsome just to be sure no signs of life remained after the arduous journey. Nope, it was truely dead. It was time for goodbyes and a few photo ops from the new crowd gathering at the Carl's Jr. Farewell friend that gave us such memories! Farewell.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

If I Could Trade Places With Someone Else For A Day.....

I struggle right now whether to be straight about my answer here or not. There are lots of people that I wouldn't mind trying their life out for a day. I could live with being rich, I could live with having toned glutes and abs. Frankly I could live with being my toddler, which would mean drinking chocolate milk and hanging out naked all day. I wouldn't even mind being the love o' my crush. But if truth be told I would like to be someone.....and I don't even know who she is.......that has the energy to do it all; be a fantastic, sweet tempered mother, a smoking hot wife, a real Betty in the kitchen, the skill to bring all of my home decorating fantasies to fruition, the wherewithall to squeeze in some sort of intense jump training workout, and the baffling ability to be lead by the Spirit in all my know what it would be like to be able to do the right thing without feeling like every step I took wasn't happening underwater with weights around my have peace in my home and in my heart, to not struggle with feeling like I am tempted beyond my capacity at every turn. I don't know who this person is.....but I wouldn't mind being her for a day. P.S. It would really be icing on the cake if she had great hair to boot.