Cruella de Vil

I was doing dishes this morning when Piglet decided to have one of her bizarre conversations. 
Piglet: Mom we got to choose our moms in Heaven.
Me: Why did you choose me?  You could have gotten a rich mom, or a nice mom, or a cute and funny mom.
Piglet: You are nice......sometimes. And you are cute and funny.  And I don't know any rich moms. 
Me: You could have had another dad too.
Piglet: Other dads creep me out.
Me: So why do you think you chose me?  What were you thinking when you saw me? 
Piglet: You looked like you needed a lesson and I thought, "I can teach her a lesson."
Me: Oh ya, what are you going to teach me?
Piglet: To be nice......or Spanish.  Wait what does cruel mean?
Me: To be mean.
Piglet: Ya, I'm gonna teach you not to be cruel.

I guess she feels like not getting her way 100% of the time is cruel on my part.  Even I haven't learned that lesson yet.  Lesson # 12: You Don't Always Get What You Want......And How To Move On Gracefully.

My Espistle To Gomorrah....Or So You Don't Know When To Call 911

There are a lot of heathens out there.  Myself included.  So most of the time I say.....do what you will.  But this time I am going to say something.  I am going to generalize.  In general this is a bad idea.  If you can tell I am not talking about you.....then you are right.  I am not talking about you. I don't really want a response about how YOU would never act that way.  If I am talking about you.....consider yourself warned.
I have a big, BIG,BIG,BIG problem with any citizen that does not have the decency to make a 911 call....or with those of you that can't figure out when would be a good time.   Here's a tip....if there is a crime being committed or it looks like someone is in danger a call for help would be appreciated.  To help those of you out there with your heads stuck in a dank hole I will make a short list.....
1.  Breaking and entering.
2.  A screaming lunatic.
3.  A person that you can actually SEE entering a vehicle......OBVIOUSLY not belonging to him and then taking property.
4. Someone damaging property.
5.  Someone assaulting someone else....yes, even fists are illegal.  You don't have to wait for a weapon to come out.
6.  People screaming in a public setting...and not because it is BYU basketball.
7.  Someone that looks or sounds like they might be committing a carjacking.   Big heads up here.....when the keys to the vehicle are thrown so as to distract the criminal.......please do not pick them up and return them to the man with the wild look in his eyes.  He is infact, the criminal.  DO however feel free to call 911!!

My dissappointment in society runs pretty deep right now.  It's kind of like hemorrhaging, pulling up to the hospital with a light heart....finally hoping that someone will save you now, and then finding out that the doctors all have an IQ of 50.  Now I know that I can't count on anyone else out there.  Every man for himself.

The Crimson Tide

Yes.......that is a cloth sanitary pad :)  Why is it so cute?  I mean really.  Who will see this besides you and the inside of your undies?  Not to mention.......how long will it stay this cute?  Which then begs the question....do you REALLY want to clean and reuse?
Maimy and I contemplate this question and others like it as we sit bleary eyed with fatigue, angry for no good reason, having wept greater than 5 times in a twelve hour period.  As we write, we also consume an extra large BK fry, an extra large BK Coke, rest our elbows on what appears to be a four month pregnant pooch (in reality an amazing amount of bloat), try to reach around our tender lady lumps, and mindlessly scratch at our deteriorating skin condition. 
Ah, the joys of womanhood.  Brought to you directly from the two miniscule ovaries smack dab in your pelvis.  How is it that two little balls of power, each under two freaking inches, can run (or is it ruin?) your life from the time you are thirteen?  Every day, every week, these two little puppies can make you happy, sad, angry, hungry, bloated, hot for a handsome man, vindictive, demonically posessed, giddy, thin, weepy, and give you cravings Gandhi couldn't have fought?
Week #1  The Crimson Tide, aka The Red Witch, Aunty Flo, My Visitor, Bloody Mary, Riding the Cotton Pony.....etc.
      Pull out the ugly panties girls.  Stay close to the potty and open your baby name books for those clots large enough to qualify for a name.  Don't forget the mind bending cramps. Who among us doesn't live for this week?
Week #2  The Thin Week
     This is the week where your skin looks decent, your hair isn't greasy, your bloat has shed and that spare tire and full on banana nut muffin sitting on your hips are a shadow of what they will become in the weeks ahead.  You finally love your man and don't want to rip off his arms and blugeon him with them.  This chicks, is the week we live for.
Week #3 Ovulation Celebration
     Ah, finally the shooting pains and semi uncomfortable cramps that signal your fertility is at its max.  Unfortunately your tender pelvic region makes er......fertilizing painful in certain circumstances (read positions).  Dang those little balls of egg. They never give up.  Week #2 is really just there to taunt you. 
Week #4  The Depths of Hell, Crossing the River Styx, PMS or for you sorry sisters PMDD.
     This is where Maimy and I sit right now.  We were wondering if we suffer from PMS or the more sinister ugly sister........PMDD.  It is normal during this week to have varying degrees of cravings, salty and sweet.  Generally the cravings take over the suffering body and as if in a trance Maimy and I NEED (yes, we classify this as a need not a want) chocolate, coke, potato chips and french fries.  It's just a fact of life.  We also have varying degrees of anger.  People close to us may use the word 'rage'.  This is when you are most likely to hear the empty, yet hostile threats such as; 'I will rip off your arms, use them to beat you, and then shove them down your throat', 'One more sound and you will be pulling the teeth I punched down your throat....out of your rear end (rear end is only the clean version)', 'If you don't stop fighting I will run screaming into the night and never return', 'Heaven help me but I am going to break your bones', 'Touch me and I will rip your face off'.  These are mostly Maimy, considering I am a tame little puddy cat.  One or both Maimy and I can be found openly crying in public places for reasons severe or........not so much ie, the death of a fallen officer, leaving Max while I go to the store, loud noises, a sad book, a sad movie, talking about a sad book or movie, accidentally hitting my fists while boxing a pretend speed bag, not liking my hair, not liking my clothes, not liking that I am angry, not liking that my husband is at work, having my husband leave the house, being asked the same question more than once........really the list goes on.  Frankly anything, great or small during this week could make me a) cry or b) be consumed with rage or c) both.  And the sick thing is, the only way to stop PMS is to........er, ride the cotton pony.  Life is sick and twisted.
Maimy and I are a little despondent to see the facts laid out so formally.  Maybe it is the PMS, or the sleepiness from the double Whopper that we don't want to own up to.  She and I are going to bed, where if we lie on our backs and suck in our gut we look only mildly bloated.  Then we will close our eyes and dream of Week #2 where thin is in and our mood is pleasant.

How Surprising!

I really try not to publicize my opinions on this blog. I try to protect myself from conspiracy, weapon removal, person of interest, or a dirty background should I a) adopt or b) run for political office. But this time I can't contain myself.


There I was...........sitting in a hotel room glued to the flat screen. Since our recent T.V. diet, consisting of ......no T.V.......once we were in front of one, we couldn't pull ourselves away. We were watching House Hunters, waiting for Paws to finally plunge sleepward. I love House Hunters, and it was pretty late at night so I didn't have a big selection. Having already had a heavy dose of The Soup, I was sated and just staring ahead. Now commercial wise I know there is some garbage out there when you hit late night viewing. But considering that I was only watching HGTV, not something baseless and nasty like CNN, E, or the Comedy channel, where I know they are corrupt and lacking moral judgement.......I felt safe.
I won't give the name of the heap of dung I saw......free advertising passed out among my staunch million readers.....just wouldn't be right. I'm pondering the age old question whether the family on T.V. should go for the farm house with lots of land and large house that needs updating or the move in ready at the top of their budget. I vote for the move in ready. The melamine kitchen in the farmhouse it going to cost a pretty penny to replace. Time to cut to a commercial. HGTV really knows how to leave you hanging. No wonder I am an addict. The commercial has a couple at dinner. He is ignoring her, texting, not talking, being boring and self centered. I'm thinking that this is a blind date. Then the guy gets up to leave and we find out that the couple is married. The words to the website you are supposed to look at comes up and there is a wedding ring rolling around in the words. Then I think maybe it was a really bad jewelry commercial.....like he should make up to her that he is a dolt, with a nice piece of bling. Superman and I look at each other and wonder what we just saw. So Superman with his many talents, whips out the laptop. Soon he is laughing. I still think it was a really cruddy jewelry commercial. Nope. It was a commercial for adultery. If you are stuck in a marriage and divorce isn't an option, you can still find your soul mate to cheat with. Just tap your keypad, put in your criteria and if you don't have a hot fling to your satisfaction......money back.

There are so many things I could say...........but I will just leave it at that.