Is Your Mama Gonna Miss Ya Now You're Gone?

The incident occured Sunday October 31st around 0530. The only witnesses to the crime were the handsome couple toodling down I-15. The children were rendered unconscious from hours of Halloween partying and sugar withdrawl.




Witness statements.....

Officer Handsome: I think a jackrabbit just jumped in front of us.

Lovely Lady: What the *&^%$#@! Aahahaha! Something just flew at us!



Despite the dark nature of the night sky Officer Handsome signals and moves to the right. Upon reaching the off-ramp he completes his stop and exits the SUV with an LED flash light. He examines the bloodless carnage and returns to debrief. Handing over the flashlight to Lovely Lady, he snickers and insists she should find interesting the scene at the front of the vehicle. With much trepidation and a sense of foreboding, she rounds the SUV and finds herself face to carcass with an extremely large, and quite substantially dead owl. Having known this is what she would find, she shrieks with pride, "I told you so!". Then with the fear of God like ice water in her soul.....she runs down the off ramp pawing at the arteries in her own neck and shielding her ears from her own terrified screams. It appears to be a case of suicide by SUV/Cop.



The body remains afixed with a rigid determination to the front of the vehicle. Upon reaching Cedar City and the breaking of dawn across the morning sky, they were able to peer into the dead yellow eyes of the owl. Contemplating removal of the body from the grill, their decision was made by the quickly growing crowd of excited Asian tourists. The handsome couple were forced to move on with the corpse still firmly implanted, amid the flash of high quality Asain cameras.



The couple made many friends as they crossed Southern Utah, Arizona, the sinful and ugly Nevada, into the unsavory village of Barstow California. People love to be entertained as they drive the Godforsaken desert. This day, their dreams were realized. Many hand gestures, smiles, gasps, and screams were exchanged. For the few tenderhearted still remaining in the soul parched Nevada, there were tears shed as the owl triumphantly sped at great speeds, past their waning vehicles.



Upon entering Barstow, the town where life no longer has meaning, the handsome couple prepared to lay their new friend to rest. Lovely Lady retrieved her secret stash of surgical gloves, secreted away in the secret compartment, for a scene such as this that she secretly knew would happen one day. Pressing them into the caring, yet strong and manly hands of Officer Handsome, she exclaimed, "Don't touch that foulness with your bare hands!" The bird was swiftly removed with little trouble, despite it's ability to ride the grill through four states. Pictures were taken to document the momentous occasion. The bird was toed by Officer Handsome just to be sure no signs of life remained after the arduous journey. Nope, it was truely dead. It was time for goodbyes and a few photo ops from the new crowd gathering at the Carl's Jr. Farewell friend that gave us such memories! Farewell.

If I Could Trade Places With Someone Else For A Day.....

I struggle right now whether to be straight about my answer here or not. There are lots of people that I wouldn't mind trying their life out for a day. I could live with being rich, I could live with having toned glutes and abs. Frankly I could live with being my toddler, which would mean drinking chocolate milk and hanging out naked all day. I wouldn't even mind being the love o' my crush. But if truth be told I would like to be someone.....and I don't even know who she is.......that has the energy to do it all; be a fantastic, sweet tempered mother, a smoking hot wife, a real Betty in the kitchen, the skill to bring all of my home decorating fantasies to fruition, the wherewithall to squeeze in some sort of intense jump training workout, and the baffling ability to be lead by the Spirit in all my doings....to know what it would be like to be able to do the right thing without feeling like every step I took wasn't happening underwater with weights around my extremities....to have peace in my home and in my heart, to not struggle with feeling like I am tempted beyond my capacity at every turn. I don't know who this person is.....but I wouldn't mind being her for a day. P.S. It would really be icing on the cake if she had great hair to boot.

A Letter To Someone That Has Injured Me Recently

This is another Challenge from my private blog.  Who thought this would be a good idea?  Probably a teen forwarded this challenge until I somehow stumbled upon it.  I gaurantee there are people out there that are publishing their 'smack down' on a pulic site.  'Not gonna do it.'   Plus I'm not really harbouring any seething hatred worthy of a public take down.
My only options are writing a letter to the child that pulled my hair too hard while giving me a great comb through (which I forced the child to do).  Or.....this bread bowl.


Dear Bread Bowl,


You crusty little sucker with your pious smirk. Your insides are soft and delicious. You hold things I greatly desire; chicken salad, creamy soups. You tempt me despite the high caloric intake. My weakness for you is repaid with your injurous crust slicing through my tender thumb. You will live long enough to regret this....as I rip you piece by piece to feed to the birds off of the pier.

                                                                                              Ever,
                                                                                                      M

Set Goals You Can Accomplish

On my private blog I am doing a 30 day challenge.  Today I am supposed to be posting my goals for the month.  Yeppers, I am going to post goals to accomplish in the next three days.  Some of you may feel that is cheating and I should post of  all of November.  Nah.  There is a much brighter possibility that I will accomplish a small list in a small amount of time.
Sometimes when I have to make a To Do list.....I like to add some things that I can already check off.  You know, just to get my engine started.  Help me feel like I can get something done.
My Short Term Goals For October
1.  Get out of bed.
2.  Dispose of dead bodies.
3.  Make soup for ward Trunk or Treat party. (This is looking sketchy.)
4.  Eat Chinese food.  (This is looking like a sure bet.)
5.  Launder every stitch of clothing not being worn or having already been put away.  (I will NOT make a goal to put all of the laundry away.  In essence setting myself up for failure.)
6.  Trick or Treat
7.  Halloween party
8.  Pack clothing, food, toys for 6 people for 7 days.
9.  Finish reading Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer.  (This is also looking like it will have a positive outcome.)
10.  Drive to Disneyland:)

My Favorite Super Hero

In honor of Halloween, my super fave holiday, I thought I would post my all time favorite Super Hero.  Yes, her patriotism shines through in this amazing outfit. 
I seriously love Wonder Woman.  Great hair, snappy boots, small waiste.........and the ability to super jump and make people tell the truth. Ooo ooo, can't forget the ability to change clothes by spinning.   I spent hours pretending to be Wonder Woman when I was little.  I once made a bionic jump from my bed with such power that I drove my knee into my nose and rendered myself bloody and helpless for an afternoon.  I sometimes contemplate purchasing an outfit like that and wearing it all day.  I think it would really give me the drive I need to finish the laundry.  I pretty much covet her rope of truth.  I would love to take people out to an old wooden shack and tie them up and ask them all sorts of questions.  Bahaha......the power!
Yep, I'm power hungry and I long for great hair.  It comes so naturally to Wonder Woman......and this is why I love her.

Cherry Clafoutis.......Ya, That's What I Said

I'm sitting here having an ADHD moment.  I have cleaned about 16 different places and I can't seem to nail it down to just one area.  I've finally given myself a pseudo break and I started looking through some cooking magazines I need to get rid of.  

I am looking at these pictures of food like some people probably like to look at porn.  I can't get enough and I don't want to throw them away.  Frankly I want to save them under my mattress. 
The problem is that I like food.  Ever since having the nuggets my tastes have developed quite nicely and I really enjoy trying new things, new flavors, new combinations.  The bigger problem is that the rest of my family including The Man, eat like toddlers.  Cut up pieces of meat.....beef, chicken, pork, maybe a cheese stick and some chips to top it off.  None of them will eat a thing if it has any kind of sauce or vegetable....most of them don't even like bread.  That is a mortal sin.

So, unless I want to make my own very tiny meal with food items that I don't usually keep on hand....er, you know there are only so many things you can do with a hunk of meat and plain white rice (YUCK!), I don't really eat the kinds of things that I dream of.
On our super awesome anniversary vacation (that wasn't sarcasm......I know, it's hard to tell sometimes) we had the best time!  But when it came to food we were doing a lot of meat based restaurants.  I love some good meat, don't get me wrong.  BUT I would like to branch out.  Finally, desperate to make my taste buds happy, Officer Handsome took me to a beautiful little French bakery.  The food was so beautiful I was near tears.  I loved my food.  I nearly had an affair right there in front of him.  My heart was very close to transfering it's affections.  And what pray tell did that handsome man eat?  The only normal thing on the menu...a BLT.  I literally had to block him out to be able to enjoy my food.  It was like eating with someone on a diet.  I wanted to give him a little smack on the tush!  And not in an anniversary kind of way!

So here's what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna save my little pictures of pretty food, that I am sure tastes just as pretty.  I'm gonna put them right next to my bed.  And when Officer Handsome doesn't come home until VERY late at night because he was chasing a nut job down a deserted road in the dark, after she threw some drugs out the window........I'm gonna look at those pictures.

Dirty, Messy.......Life

Challenged by my dear, dear friend  http://liddell6.blogspot.com/ I decided to post about what makes me dirty, messy and loveable:)
This blog has never intended to make anyone feel inferior.  I am pretty sure that it never has.  I think I am fairly upfront about the fact that I am frantically trying to keep my head above water.  If anything you should surf to your next web address feeling uplifted that you are succeeding where I am trodden down in the mud. 
Thus I will leave you with 7 dirty, messy, strange things that I accept about myself.....yet find myself adoring anyway!

1)  I do not like even numbers as a general rule.  I find 4,6,8, etc...offensive in their desperation to be even.  I do not like that they try so hard.  It is very hard to watch. It makes me uncomfortable. (For some reason 22 does not bother me.  Infact I like it.)

2) I have phenominal pregnancies physically if you don't count that my hips disengage and I totter around like a pure bread dog, awaiting euthenasia.  Mentally I am a mess.  I teeter on the verge of hysterical, raging, mania.  As the birth nears I feel like a trapped animal.  I also feel like my agency has been taken away and I am being forced to proceed with something that I do not want to be part of.  I refuse to return to the doctor just to prove that no one can make me go into labor.  I am not a pleasant person to be around.....BUT after I have accepted the fact that I cannot physically or mentally survive without medical intervention (epidural!) and that warm, safe feeling courses through my lower body......there is a time in there that is the very greatest time in all the world.  And it is not the drugs I refer to.  When that little tiny nugget that is all yours is born, after such intense deranged fear and trama.  There is no other time that is more ROMANTIC!  It is even deeper than romance.  I don't think I have words really to say what I mean.  When it is just you and your little baby and your hubby........that is the deepest love and adoration, the safest and most loved I have ever felt.  And when I mourn not having more babies....this is the thing I mourn for.  Well, that and the irresistable baby.

3)  I love to sort money.  I seriously L.O.V.E. it.  Our family saves all of our change in a huge bucket for our vacations.  When it's time to dump it out and roll the coins I am stoked.  I love sorting it because there is no guess work.  You are either a penny, a nickle, a dime, or a quarter.  Really this speaks volumes about me.  I like when things fit neatly.  I don't like when there are things that I don't know where they belong.  Therefore there are stacks of mail and paper on my counter because I am undecided what to do with them.  I hate not knowing.......in general, all across the board.  Just lay it out for me. Do you love me, hate me, do I irritate you, what should I be when I grow up........the list of things I need to know are exhausting.

4)  I did this fantastic workbook which took me months.  It literally ravaged my soul.  I learned things about myself that I do not like....I do not like them with a firey intensity.  I crave adoration.  I am lazy and desire only what comes with ease.  I have dark recesses so terrible that they are like a red velvet lined coffin.  There are parts of me that want only what is impossible, or risk damnation.  No joke.  And guess what.  Although I was trodden down like a wet leaf in the mud.......I liked it.  I liked that I could look at all of those things and admit that I knew they were there, but that I am still a pretty rockin' chick.

5)  I have hideous, grotesque, Quasimodo like nodules that grow on my scalp.  They are not many in number, and not frequent. There you go.  I have surgically removed some myself and had others removed by someone more professional.  Now for everyone that was soured by my striking beauty and raged with jealousy over my perfection.....you know the sick truth.

6)  I love that texting was ever invented.  That is because I do not like making phone calls.  That is because I am afraid that I will interrupt someone doing something much more important than speaking to me.  And while their phone rings, they will look down, see my name on caller ID and roll their eyes.  As I have an issue with desperate numbers (see #1) I also do not wish to be seen as desperate.  This causes me to act aloof and uncaring when I am secretly not aloof and I care so very deeply.  I employ this trick on many people. 

7)  I once snuck into a Stake dance when I was underage.  I find this hilarious for more than one reason.  a)I lied to get into a church function.  I showed fake ID even. b) I did not dance.  c) When I was of age to attend, I could not have been dragged there.  d) I did not even attend school dances.....even though I assure you dear readers, I WAS asked.  Then why, pray tell did I do something so flat out dumb?  Because...and this is the real #7, I succumb easily to peer pressure.  When pressured by the right person, for the right or wrong reason....I'll cave, especially if I love you. 

Now go ahead and spill your guts on your own blog and PULEASE tell me all the messy little things about you so that I don't have writers remorse.