Pinterest

     As you well know this is the place I like to flaunt my weakness.  It feels good to let people know not to expect much when you deal with this hot mess.  My newest form of addiction is Pinterest .   It's kind of like crack in the way that it just won't let you let go. 
     Pinterest is a lovely site.........hey I should be getting paid for this advertisement!  Pinterest is a site where you can catalog, or pin, pictures of your other obsessions that aren't Pinterest.  I've been pinning crafts I woud love to do, but who am I kidding, never will.  I have been pinning food that I might make a fraction of.  I have been pinning interior design for the mansions that I will never own, nor will they have enough bedrooms, bathrooms, living rooms, kitchens.....or doors (how I love a good door! MMM) for that matter, to ever fit every dream I have.  I've pinned a zillion funny things or awesome quotes to live by that I savor for that second and then go back to that comfy place in my little dark heart where I don't really live by a higher standard of sweet sentiment.  I've pinned fashion out the wazoo.  I love pinning.  Oh the high I get. 
     Somewhere in my stone cold soul I believe there has been a glimmer of insight.  I think this pinning thing is making me a bit covetous.  Well super covetous.  Is that bad? I want to be crafty and chic.  I want to look glamourous.  I want to eat wicked yummy food.  I want a mansion.  Is this another satanic ploy to waste my time and dull my senses?  Probably.  Sometimes I tell myself I am only allowed a certain number of pins...but I never keep to it. 
     I'm not saying I'm stopping.  I'm not saying you shouldn't start....well because I could really use some company here.  I'm just saying I might have recgonized my control is slipping in another area.

Dear Stress, Let's Break Up

Dear Stress,

     We started out together at such a young age.  We were together so often.  You were there when everyone hollered at Grandma during lunch and made me cry.  You were there when I spent 19 years in school and I wanted to be home.  You've been with me on dates, with every church calling I have ever had, through all of the pregnancies, with each job.......from the one with cold calls to the ones where people could die at my hand.  You stuck it out through renovations and house building.  We have paired up for delights such as homeschool and living with a police officer.
     I'm afraid this may come as a shock, or that you will be upset and feel that my actions and feelings up to this point have not been authentic.  I feel that it is time to break up.  There.......I said it.  We are no good for each other.  I want to have some space and find out who I am.  You put so much pressure on me.  I feel like I am smothering.  Who are we without each other? 
     I hope you read this soon.  It would hate for you to find out on Facebook, when I change my status to <3 single.
     I will put your things in a box on the front step.......Tylenol, chocolate (what's left anyway), Coke, the bitten nails, 2 white hairs plucked this morning, Tylenol PM, the journals full of swear words, and the acne ointment.  I am keeping the shelves of books that you caused me to buy and the soaking tub as I cannot remove it. 
                                                                                                     Sincerely,
                                                                                                              Maimy

B.S.M.K.H.S. In No Particular Order

      So there I was in the dentist's chair yesterday.  It's not one of my favorite places, dating back since my youth when my dentist tried to smother me as I hyperventilated......and proceeded to pull 8 teeth without any tooth numby. As I lay there with the laughing gas cranked up, I realized that I felt pretty good.  I don't think I have felt that calm in at least a year, at my last illicit drug use.  It came to me quite clearly then why people use drugs.

     My brain works overtime all of the time.  It's kind of like a roller derby in there.  Frustration, anger, noise, movement from one place to another at flashy speeds, and I really take a pounding.  The only thing I have found to make it stop......besides nitrous oxide, is reading.  It gives my brain a place to focus.  So instead of doping up I read.

     I've noticed I am pretty infantile in my life progression thus far.

Except I am clearly not that adorable.  I don't think I have  ever properly learned to self regulate.  I am driven by pleasure and desire.  Sounds kind of naughty.  It has more to do with not being able to push myself out of my comfort zone.  It's a very small zone.  Kind of like a dot on a paper.  Officer Handsome can run a 5K after not having run for months.  I stoke myself up thinking I can become a runner and within the first moments of feeling my own heart beat above resting speed.....I just wanna throw in the towel.  I'm not really in pain, I am bored and a little anxious to get away from myself.  Running leaves you not much to do besides think, unless you happen to see a cow birthing a calf while you huff by.  Unfortunately odds are that won't happen often.  Also, once I saw a fallic symbol spray painted on a road sign and that gave me half a second of laughter.

     I find myself a little depressed that I don't make many strides during the day.  My brain flits from one place to the next and I never spend enough time on one thing.  Also I get really bored with one thing.  And I basically hate to do most things because I don't get payoff fast enough.  I think about crafting something awesome, but then I dwell while  I do it and end up not being able to face the thought of attempting some painting, or glueing or refinishing. I want to deep clean the kitchen cabinets and the kids dressers but the thought of having to focus on such dullness while still dwelling on every other thing that needs my attention, leaves me breathless with the desire to run. Eating and reading you can get a buzz from pretty quickly but besides that ........meh, too much work.

     I have concluded that it's about time to tame Maimy.  My natural man.  I conclude that a lot.  She is like living under a brown blanket.  She adds more weight, makes it hard to navigate, and makes everything dark. 

     While I was showering after my laborous run,  (I came up with a snappy idea that I could train myself to run with this website....http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml ) I had nothing to do but think some more.  That's when I came up with a plan.  I have to have guidelines.  Even though I like to wing everything, mostly because planning takes effort, I function better with strict rules and expectations.  Instead of having a to-do list, because I make terribly long ones once I start one, I am making some broader goals to accomplish during a day.

     B.S.M.K.H.S. in no particular order.  I am going to do something for my Body, Spirit, Marriage, Kids, Home, and Self, everyday.    Example.....I already went running, I will read an article from the Ensign and journal with it, I rented a movie for Officer Handsome and I, I will take the kids to the pool or on a walk and they need individual attention everyday so we will read, snuggle, play games and maybe bake, home......ugh put the laundry away, do dishes, start more laundry, and for myself.......it's hard not to get carried away here...for sure I will read, probably while eating lunch, and then hide from everyone and read some more.  Once I can see, feel really, that I have accomplished something I am hoping it will give me enough 'good' feeling to move on to the next task.

     For real, people out there.......are you cool being in your own head?  Do you have a lot of self control?  Where did it come from?

If I Could Trade Places With Someone Else For A Day.....

I struggle right now whether to be straight about my answer here or not. There are lots of people that I wouldn't mind trying their life out for a day. I could live with being rich, I could live with having toned glutes and abs. Frankly I could live with being my toddler, which would mean drinking chocolate milk and hanging out naked all day. I wouldn't even mind being the love o' my crush. But if truth be told I would like to be someone.....and I don't even know who she is.......that has the energy to do it all; be a fantastic, sweet tempered mother, a smoking hot wife, a real Betty in the kitchen, the skill to bring all of my home decorating fantasies to fruition, the wherewithall to squeeze in some sort of intense jump training workout, and the baffling ability to be lead by the Spirit in all my doings....to know what it would be like to be able to do the right thing without feeling like every step I took wasn't happening underwater with weights around my extremities....to have peace in my home and in my heart, to not struggle with feeling like I am tempted beyond my capacity at every turn. I don't know who this person is.....but I wouldn't mind being her for a day. P.S. It would really be icing on the cake if she had great hair to boot.

Eat, Pray.........Sweat

Maimy has been on a roll lately.  She convinced me to stop working out......among other things.  She is wildly persuasive and soothing when I let her be.  She always seems to know the right things to whisper in my ear to make everything seem alright.  Alas, I had a moment of nagging conscience. I had an insane burst of......lets better ourselves.  Even though Maimy had advised against it......I began reading The Miracle Of Forgiveness.  Life seemed bleak.....like going up a down escelator.........in a wheelchair.  It hurt.  It hurt to tears.  It hurt to 8 hours of tears.  Maimy said it was only PMS.  I hate to give her credit, but I think she was partially right.
I decided the best way to exorcise Maimy was to exercise the heck out of her.  We went back to Tae Bo, but not in the morning.  Maimy feels sluggish without 6 square meals and a few Cokes to really ground her.  So one evening we donned some terribly ugly workout clothes to match our ugly mood and red rimmed eyes.  As I made full body contact with a public floor, 45 minutes into one form of Hell on Earth, with Lady Gaga belting out Poker Face.........I realized that for that short time Maimy had fled AND that it was distinctly possible I didn't comprehend the full spectral meaning of Poker Face.  Maimy couldn't take the cramp in my firm, firm gluteus, the heart rate above 65 beats, or the sweat between my boobs.  Even though hours before I had been feeling at my weakest in possibly years.........I KNEW I could beat that little hussy if I really wanted to.

Reiki

Well....Maimy has been down in the dumps lately.  She misses Superman, which in any case doesn't make her heart grow fonder.........it makes her angry.  She's overwhelmed and missunderstood.  She has too much to do and very little desire to do it.  I started giving her extra vitamin B and an immune/energy booster drink.....and like anything else that isn't Chinese food.....she didn't respond.  Maimy questioned whether speed would do her any good but Superman said that eventually she would crash and undo any headway she had made.  It didn't seem like a good idea.
Two of my friends happened to tell me about Reiki and emotional healing at the same time.  I'm wondering if they sensed Maimy simmering right under the surface.  I'm not saying that Reiki and emotional healing are the same thing here.  But they both seemed interesting.  As it turned out Reiki was MUCH more afforadable.  As it turned out...Reiki was free.  I could help out someone trying to get certified and I could try to exorcise Maimy.
I made the appointment for later in the afternoon so that I could try to accomplish what I hadn't in the previous days..........er that would be anything.  Maimy whined and dragged but I was able to accomplish some laundry and putting away Halloween decorations.  We dropped the nuggets off with Goose and headed to our first Reiki session.
The Reiki Chick is an R.N. trying to certify in order to use it in conjunction with nursing.  I was hoping for an epiphany.  I was hoping to leave without Maimy.........or at least have her subdued to a coma like state.  We laid on our backs.  We were given the instructions to relax.  We could talk if we desired .......or not.  I didn't want to.  I wasn't sure if Reiki Chick had to concentrate to pick up some kind of signal or what.  As it turns out I think she was rearranging my messed up energy.  She scanned our body without touching us.  Then she began the hour long session by putting her hands on our head.  Now, there I lie, desperate for a good reason to kick back and shut my eyes.  Do you think that I could rest?  No!  For the same reason that I can't sleep, I can't rest motionless.  As soon as the hands touched me, my eyelids began jumping as if Mexican Jumping Beans had slipped in before my eyes shut.  Explosions of purple light burst like grapes on the insides of my eyes.  I began listing the zillion things I still had to do for the rest of the week.  And all the while trying to pretend I am relaxed.  I tried not to move.  I tried not to breath.  I tried REALLY hard not to swallow.  Only when she reached my feet, after nearly an hour, did my thoughts lapse into that strange state right before you fall asleep.
Reiki Chick was not snookered by my attempt at faux relaxation.  She said she could tell I was tense and pretending to relax.  She also said she wondered if I have ever had anything wrong with my throat because she picked up something there.  I think it may have been me trying not to swallow, which made me realize how much I had to swallow.  She also said she kept seeing an apple.  Half of the time I was envisioning me cutting up apples because that is what I had to do as soon as I left and picked up Piglet and Paws.  She also sensed 'Sweetie'.  I think she thought someone must call me that.  Sadly I live in a state of existance where I am only called derivatives of 'Mom'.  I do however call the kids and their friends 'Sweetie'.  Hmm.
I sat up from my session and felt like I had just been awakened mid nap.  I didn't feel clear and my face was SO flushed.
I think there may have been at least a thin sheet of Saran Wrap between Maimy and I.  I didn't holler at the nuggets, finished a ton of laundry, cut up all of my apples, made dip, carpooled, read beddy bye stories.......all in a haze of contentment.  It only lasted until the next day though.
I think I will give it one more try.  Pray for my eyelids to behave themselves.